Say How You Really Feel Without Hurting Other People
People-Pleasing Doesn’t Actually Please People
Many of us have been taught that being "nice" means avoiding conflict, saying yes when we want to say no, and smoothing things over to keep the peace. But the truth is, people-pleasing doesn’t actually please people—it creates distance, resentment, and anxiety.
Most people would rather hear the truth, even when it’s hard. If you’ve ever struggled with setting boundaries or speaking honestly, you’re not alone. As an anxiety therapist in the Comox Valley who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), I help people recognize and change unhelpful patterns like people-pleasing. And those who approach me want to know the truth, even if it hurts.
Why Do We People-Please?
At its core, people-pleasing is about control—but not the kind we think. We tell ourselves:
"If I say what they want to hear, they won’t be upset."
"If I agree, they’ll like me more."
"If I avoid conflict, I’ll feel less anxious."
But these thoughts are based on a false sense of control. We can’t actually control other people’s emotions by bending over backward for them. People will get mad at us even if we people please. In fact, people-pleasing often backfires, making relationships feel strained rather than strong.
Why People-Pleasing Is a Problem
Although it may seem kind on the surface, people-pleasing can be:
Manipulative – It tries to control how others see us, rather than allowing for real connection.
Insincere – Saying what you don’t mean damages trust over time.
Unhelpful – Avoiding the truth doesn’t give others the opportunity to grow or respond authentically.
Anxiety-Inducing – Constantly worrying about others’ feelings at the expense of your own is exhausting.
Relationship-Damaging – It puts emotional distance between you and others, even if your intent is to stay close.
How to Be Honest Without Hurting People
Being direct doesn’t mean being unkind. A great framework for honest, compassionate communication is Radical Candor—a concept that combines honesty with care.
How to Practice Radical Candor:
Be understanding – Try to understand why the other person may hold their position. You can do this by asking them questions to get clearer on what they want. Show empathy and kindness in your communication.
Be truthful – Say how you honestly feel, even when it’s uncomfortable. Trust that others can handle the truth. Most people prefer honesty over sugarcoating.
Use "I" statements – Instead of blaming or accusing, focus on your own experience (e.g., "I feel overwhelmed when I take on extra work").
Pause before you respond – Take a moment to check in with yourself before automatically agreeing to something.
Watch Out for Secondary Gains
Sometimes, we people-please because we get something out of it—like praise, approval, or a temporary sense of relief from anxiety. But in the long run, these "secondary gains" keep us stuck in the cycle of avoidance and self-betrayal.
If you recognize this pattern in yourself, CBT counselling in the Comox Valley can help. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is an evidence-based approach that helps identify and change unhelpful thought patterns, including the ones that drive people-pleasing.
Get Support from an Anxiety Therapist in Comox Valley
If people-pleasing is making you feel anxious, exhausted, or disconnected from your true self, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Therapy can help you:
Set boundaries without guilt
Communicate honestly and effectively
Reduce anxiety and overthinking
Build deeper, more authentic relationships
If you're ready to say how you really feel—without hurting others or yourself—reach out for CBT counselling in the Comox Valley today.
